


Merry Christmas, Honey

by heartsdesire456



Series: 25 Days of Fandom [12]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Christmas, For the most part, M/M, Making Up, Married Couple, Mentions of suicidal tendencies, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 07:11:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2764325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a really hard week, right before Christmas, Phil finds someone waiting for him in his office that he never expected to see again...</p><p>His husband.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Merry Christmas, Honey

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo not Christmas fluff, but still. It counts!

Phil shut the door behind him and sighed heavily, collapsing against the door. He tipped his head back so it thumped against the wood. 

Things were just so hard lately. It was a terrible way to start Christmas, that’s for sure.

Mack was still avoiding everyone (except Fitz, who refused to leave him alone the same way Mack refused to let him wallow when they first hired Mack), everyone was still mourning Trip, and Skye was a mess of emotions. Phil still couldn’t get her to tell him what all happened to her, but he knew enough to know she apparently had some sort of latent powers that had manifested she refused to talk about. He was terrified for her because he knew what it was to be afraid of yourself. Her life had been hard enough already. 

“Are you seriously this out of practice?” a horribly familiar voice asked and Phil’s head snapped up so fast he almost got dizzy.

He stared, eyes wide, stomach turned to lead, as he watched Clint coming from behind his desk and leaning against the edge of it. “Clint?” he asked, voice tight with surprise.

Clint crossed his arms, looking down at the floor. “You’ve been leaning there for a good two minutes and didn’t even notice someone else was here. You’re losing your edge.”

Phil staggered away from the door, stopping in the middle of the room. “How… how did you find-“

“You?” Clint asked in a soft, dangerous tone. 

Phil pursed his lips, jaw set. “I was going to say my base, but yes. That, too.”

Clint narrowed his eyes. “You’re far from subtle, also, Natasha needed some help from Diego while she and Captain America were looking for his long-lost boyfriend or something and he casually mentioned that just a week ago, _Director_ Coulson and Agent Morse needed help and in the end, killed a whole building full of HYDRA, so if Steve’s buddy had been there, he was probably dead.” He tilted his head. “Director Coulson. You can imagine my surprise to hear the word ‘Director’ applied to anybody besides Nick. I didn’t think SHIELD was still around. And I definitely didn’t think _you_ were still around.”

Phil swallowed hard, eyes widening as he saw the glint of _tears_ reflecting the light in Clint’s eyes when he shook his head. “Clint-“

“I can’t believe you, Phil,” Clint gritted out, voice breaking on Phil’s name. “How- How could you?” he asked weakly. “It’s been two years-“

“I died, Clint-“

“I know that!” Clint snapped. He shook his head, tapping his foot as he looked away from Phil, jaw clenched. “Fury- Fury spilled it when I went and found him after Diego talked to Natasha. He told me about- about resurrecting you. About making you director of SHIELD. He told me you and Melinda May were building it from the ground up and how you had got your feet beneath you now. Then he told me-“ Clint snorted with a humorless smile, looking back at Phil. “He told me to let it go because you had enough on your plate without me screwing things up like usual.”

Phil clenched his fist, gritting his teeth for a moment as he thought about how extra-angry he was at Nick. “He had no right to say that-“

“Well it’s not like you care, is it?” Clint asked and Phil opened his eyes, looking at him incredulously.

“How could you think I don’t _care_ -“

“Phil, it’s been almost a year since you took over for Nick. A year you didn’t have to answer to anybody.” Clint shrugged. “Did my phone ring? Did I get a visit? No. No I didn’t.” He looked Phil in the eyes, not blinking a single time. “If you cared, why didn’t you make contact?”

Phil shook his head, not breaking Clint’s gaze. “Everything’s different, Clint. I’m not the same man I was.”

Clint tilted his head, nodding a moment as he looked down before lifting his eyes again. “Are you still Phil Coulson?” he asked.

Phil sighed. “Clint, it’s not that simple-“

“You clearly still collect nerdy memorabilia,” Clint said, gesturing around them. “You still hang Christmas lights around your office when December hits,” he said, gesturing to the lights trailing along the shelves behind Phil’s desk. Clint looked at him closely. “Are you still Phil Coulson?” he asked again.

“I don’t know,” Phil admitted tightly.

Clint stood up and took a few steps towards Phil. Not enough to come in touching distance, but so that he wasn’t leaning on the desk anymore. “Do you still listen to Ella Fitzgerald when you’re sad?” he asked, voice quieter than usual and full of what Phil knew was vulnerability even if Clint’s face never showed it. “Do you still prefer the half-Windsor to the full?” He looked at his loose tie and smiled so weakly it looked more like the trace of a sigh. “Do you still brush your top teeth before the bottom? And leave a glass of water on the night stand even though you never drink it?” Phil watched the bob of Clint’s throat as he swallowed. “Do you still line up your cuff links in a row before picking a pair?”

He shook his head. “But I died. I died and they did something. Something that changed my biology. I don’t know how far, but I used to have episodes. Where I just- I was obsessively carving what we later determined is a map to a possibly alien city. I was unsusceptible to an Asgardian’s male-controlling charms. I’m not- I’m not even sure I’m fully human anymore. I’m better lately, but for a long time I wasn’t, and even if I had been okay, it was too late. It had been months.” He shook his head. “I didn’t want to, but I thought I was doing what was best. For you,” he added gently. “I loved you too much to risk it. I would do anything to protect you, Clint. Even if that means letting mourn me and move on with your life.”

Clint’s chest heaved slightly, his breath jumping like he was fighting not to react but couldn’t help it. “Do you still have your earring?”

Phil carefully nodded. His voice was small but unwavering when he spoke. “Yes.”

Clint let out a weak sound, biting his bottom lip as he took a breath, looking away for a minute, the white Christmas lights casting shadows on his face that made his cheeks sharper and the lines on his face deeper. “Shit, Phil,” he whimpered, looking back at Phil just as a tear finally escaped his lashes, streaking his cheek. “You- You’re so fucking stupid,” he managed, voice strained with tears. Phil raised an eyebrow and Clint’s laugh was like glass being shattered. He took a step closer, swaying some as he came within arm’s length of Phil, like he was fighting his body not to keep going forward. “You thought that was protecting me?” he asked. “Leaving me when I needed you the most?” He shook his head. “Not protecting me.” He sniffled, another tear streaking his face. 

“I got kicked out of SHIELD before it fell because I- I couldn’t cope. I didn’t mourn you and move on. I was on leave for six months after you died and then when I came back, I couldn’t- I couldn’t cope.” He sniffled. “I thought I mourned you and was able to go back, but I passed your office and broke down crying. In front of everybody. They benched me for that. Said I was psychologically unready. They cleared me again and in the field, I got distracted too easily because I-I didn’t hear your voice.” Clint’s bottom lip trembled. “A little over year after you died, a few months before SHIELD fell, I was setting charges and I dropped my earring.” He shook his head. “I had two minutes to get clear of the detonation and they kept yelling for me to run over the comms but I’d found my earring and was behind a cabinet. I stayed and dragged the cabinet out of the way to get my earring and I only got halfway out of the building before the charges were supposed to detonate. Fury was running the op and he had to cut the charges and abort the mission entirely because they had to help me fight my way out.” He tilted his head. “I put my _earring_ above my mission. They kicked me out. Fury told me to get the hell out of his sight and never come back, and I did.”

Phil gaped. “What the hell did you do that for?! What if they hadn’t called it? What if they’d counted you as an acceptable loss-“

“It’s the ONLY part of you I had left!” Clint shouted angrily, cutting him off. He cleared his throat, bouncing his shoulders as he got a hold of his emotions. He sniffled and wiped his face, rolling his neck as he calmed down. “Phil,” he said in a calmer, more measured voice. “I didn’t come here to yell at you.”

Phil sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. “Clint, what did you come here for? If you want an apology, I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault I died and I thought I was doing what was best for you-“

“And you were wrong,” Clint said softly. “But that doesn’t matter.” He looked at Phil with something like hope in his eyes. “I’m angry at you. I’m hurt more than you could possibly imagine. I can’t- I can’t believe you.” He shook his head, smiling sadly. “But I came here because-“ His voice cracked and he closed his eyes, swallowing hard. “Because I found out you’re alive this week and I’ve already missed two Christmases with my husband. I’m not missing a third out of spite.”

Phil looked up at him, unable to fight the smile that crossed his lips as a glow of hope filled his chest. He felt guilt, regret, and pain, but his hope was more than that. “Clint, I died. Legally, I’m not your husband anymore.”

Clint shook his head. “The law doesn’t decide whether or not I consider you my husband, Phil.” He closed the last few feet between them and hesitated, hand outreached. “Can- Can I touch you?” he asked, clearly afraid Phil might say no.

Phil nodded, throat suddenly dry as the desert where he and Clint got married. He couldn’t even bring himself to speak, so he just stepped the last step until Clint’s palm was pressed against his shirt. Clint let out a ragged breath and he flattened his palm to Phil’s waist, fingers gently but firmly pressing against his bottom ribs. Phil almost shuddered at the warmth he had missed for so long. Sure, people had touched him around the middle when helping him up and such, but it wasn’t _Clint_. “Clint,” he breathed, and Clint let out a sharp sound as he fisted his hand in Phil’s shirt and pulled him the last few inches, pressing their bodies together from chest to knees as he hugged Phil hard, one arm around his waist and the other going around his shoulders. 

“ _Phil_ ,” he gritted out, face pressed into Phil’s neck. He let out a sound not unlike a sob. “You’re really here, oh God.”

Phil curled his arms around Clint, breath coming in sharp bursts as he realized Clint still fit. Even when his body still didn’t feel totally like his, Clint still felt just right. He fit right into Phil’s arms like he was made to be there, and it was _good_. “I’m so sorry,” Phil whispered, pressing his cheek against Clint’s head. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I died and left you. I’m sorry I didn’t come back to you.” He slid his hand up to fist in Clint’s hair. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m so sorry I left you alone when I promised I never would.”

Clint pulled back some, looking at Phil with eyes full of guilt. “Phil… there- there were others. I’m sorry. If I had known you were still alive…” He trailed off and Phil’s heart dropped at the way Clint looked at him like he was afraid he hated him.

Phil had to admit to himself that there was a surge of jealousy. But not anger. He had no reason to be angry. And he told Clint as much. “Clint.” He curled a hand around his face, smiling when Clint’s breath stuttered and he pressed into Phil’s hand with a whimper. “Clint, it’s been two years. I understand,” he reassured him. He smiled sadly when Clint’s big, beautiful blue eyes turned to him with a hesitant hope. “I died. We weren’t married. We weren’t even together. You have to know I’d never be angry that you met someone else.” He shrugged. “I told you. I chose to let you move on with your life. I knew it would happen.”

Clint shook his head. “There was never ‘someone else’. That implies I met someone that was even a fraction of what I had with you.” He smiled sadly. “I could have never moved on to find someone I loved the way I love you, Phil. _You_ are my husband. And I know you wouldn’t be angry, but I understand if you’re hurt.”

“That would be irrational,” Phil said simply. “I made the choice to let you go on with your life. I _wanted_ you to find someone else to make you happy.”

Clint gave him a flat look. “Love is irrational, and maybe you wanted me to be happy, but you know if I had met someone and fallen in love you would be hurt.” He hesitated. “I- I’m not-“ He looked around, as if expecting to see something. “I’m not throwing a wrench in you and someone else right now, am I?” he asked, looking a mix of uneasy and terrified.

Phil chuckled tiredly, shaking his head. “There’s nobody. Trust me.” He shrugged, looking apologetic. “I haven’t… been with anybody,” he admitted. “Not since you.”

Clint’s eyes widened. “God, and I have. Shit-“

“No,” Phil said firmly. He slid his fingers through Clint’s hair, smiling sadly. “Does it sting a little? Yes. But it’s an irrational reaction my heart and my brain don’t agree on.” He shook his head. “You’re young and beautiful, Clint. It would be ridiculous for me to have let you think I was gone and then expect you to take up a lifetime of celibacy. I don’t care about that. I really don’t, no matter what ‘string’ there is.” Phil shook his head. “I’d be more upset if you had spent the past two years alone and sad.”

Clint snorted, shaking his head. “I hate to be the one to piss on your parade, Phil, but I pretty much have,” he admitted softly. He tightened his hold around Phil’s middle, pressing their foreheads together. “It was never ‘someone’. It was sex. A couple temporary repeat-fucks. Hell, one of them wasn’t even that, it was just a one-night stand without even last names given.” He closed his eyes. “I never stopped missing you. I fell asleep next to the girl one night and I dreamed about you, and when I woke up with long, blonde hair on the other pillow I locked myself in the bathroom and had a panic attack. It took Natasha showing up and breaking the door down to make me come out.”

Phil curled his hand around Clint’s neck, shaking his head. “I’m so sorry. I’m- God.” He shuddered. “I fucked up so bad, Clint. I thought it would be better. I thought you would be better off-“

“That’s where you went wrong, Boss,” Clint said gently, voice struggling to sound playful. He met Phil’s eyes. “You should know better than ‘thinking’ by now. You ‘thought’ dating me was a bad idea to start with, too, remember?”

Phil smiled, nodding. “I should leave the thinking to you, huh?” he asked, and Clint nodded, blue eyes twinkling. Phil sighed. “God, I missed you.”

Clint nodded, rolling his lips together before exhaling shakily. “I’m here now, Phil. I’m here and tomorrow is Christmas and I- I’m going to spend Christmas with my husband after two years without him.” He laughed weakly. “God, _Phil_.”

Phil caught his lips in a kiss, unable to withstand Clint being so close anymore. Clint responded eagerly, surging against Phil. Clint whimpered and Phil couldn’t help a moan, kissing Clint like he was trying to crawl inside him and set up shop. Clint clung to him, shaking like a leaf. He made soft, desperate sounds, clinging to Phil like he was afraid someone was going to snatch Phil away if he gave an inch. When they had to break to breathe, Phil panted, clutching at Clint. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,” Phil gasped over and over, eyes boring into Clint’s with the fires of conviction that had been there the day he promised to love Clint for the rest of his life. He did the first time, but here and now, Phil decided, he was going to love Clint for the rest of his second life, and however many lives he had after. “I’m an asshole and I love you.”

Clint laughed, voice full of real joy for the first time all night. “You are an asshole, and _God_ I love you, too. Phil, I love you so much.” He kissed his face all over in a series of pecks. “I love every fucking thing about you, even the asshole side. You’re alive and I love you and I’ll be damned if you’re ever getting rid of me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Phil promised, shaking his head. “You’re staying here for Christmas and then we’re going to figure out how to be together with all this shit in our lives now. I’m not letting you go. You’re gonna get your own fucking lanyard if I have to beat one Koenig with the other one to make them agree.”

Clint gave him a confused look but laughed anyways. “I don’t know what the hell that last part means, but yes. Yes to all the rest of it.” He hugged Phil tight. “Merry Christmas, Honey.”

Phil deflated some, burying his face in Clint’s neck, smiling when Clint sighed and tightened his hold on him happily. He pressed his lips to Clint’s skin gently for a moment, enjoying the shiver that he got in return. “Right back at ya.”

**Author's Note:**

> Note: A friend commented to me outside of this post that the earring thing isn't clear. I'm very sorry about that, but the idea is that when they got married (which is mentioned) they each got an earring, not a wedding band. 
> 
> (Maybe one day in the future, I'll write a prequel to this fic about their wedding if you guys want?)


End file.
